I guess I should have expected domestic abuse to be in the sex education unit, which is essentially the rug under which all embarrassing topics are swept. After a gruesome, graphic slide-show of scars, bruises, and bullet wounds, we are given worksheets, to evaluate our own relationships for "teen dating violence." Absentmindedly, I fill out the little check boxes, row upon row of healthy functioning friendships. In a sense of recklessness and boredom, I turn the page to a new checklist, and decide to evaluate the worst relationship I've had.
Suddenly, I freeze. Check one, "one puts the other down by calling names." I shake it off. One unhealthy check means nothing. But then, check two, "one treats the other like a child." Check three, "one frequently criticizes other's friends/interests." "one tells the other how to dress." "one has grabbed, pulled, pushed, or hurt the other." By the end of the list, I've checked every warning sign of an abusive relationship. Staring down at it, I immediately try to deny it, to excuse him, a small voice that's quickly crushed by an echo of the video, "many victims blame themselves, and deny any abuse."
Could the relationship have been bad to the point of abuse? The mindlessly "healthy" checks suddenly don't seem so petty, the strong friendships I realize I'm endlessly grateful for. Of course, I was never actually hurt. But nonetheless, I'm suddenly grateful for leaving him. A dear friend of mine is caught in a emotionally abusive relationship, one she refuses to leave. "Give me a week," she begs, "I'll leave him then. He'll be different." How is it that we are drawn to such pain? She blames herself.
I realize now, that as much courage and determination is takes to hold on to something, not just relationships, it takes just as much, maybe even more, to let go. One just needs to know what's worth holding onto.
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say whatever strikes your fancy, but please, respectfully.