It's the same school. Same hallways. Most of the same people.
The English room is on the other side of the hallway.
It's a different window. A different view.
But I can't help but smile.
Outside is a world of bursting green, promising and full of life. And on the very edge? A tree that has just started turning for fall. A splat of a strong orange-red on the edge of the flawless green. Threatening, waiting.
About to set my world on fire.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
To be Smart
It feels empty. Hollow. It hurts.
It hurts to lose. It hurts to say goodbye.
Why do we grow attached to people?
The only logical thing to do is withdraw.
To shy away. To reject friendships. To ignore people.
Because with nothing to lose, there's no way to get hurt.
Silently, we drive through the night. I chew on my lip, fighting back tears. I know that as soon as we reach my house, he'll leave. He'll go far, far away. Grown up. Real life. I don't quite know how to say goodbye. I'm not quite sure how I'll get by without him. He's been my hero, my role model, my brother. Given me the best and the worst advice I've ever had. Taught me more than anyone ever has. And he's leaving. But for now, it's just us.
He sighs, and still looking at the road, he warns, "You'd better not do anything stupid this year."
I laugh despite myself, "Define stupid."
He takes a second to glare at me. But he loves me. I know.
Suddenly, I realize something. Avoiding people, withdrawing. It's just about the stupidest thing I can do. We're drawn to others, we need others. I'm not sure who I'd be if I'd never met anyone I've had to say goodbye to. I wouldn't be anybody at all. We're not defined by the people around us, but we're changed by the company we keep, the things they teach us.
A few days later, I find him online, and I smile to myself. He'll never be completely gone. He'll always be there when I need him, he always has been. It hurts to say goodbye. But to have people you love in your life? It's worth it.
It hurts to lose. It hurts to say goodbye.
Why do we grow attached to people?
The only logical thing to do is withdraw.
To shy away. To reject friendships. To ignore people.
Because with nothing to lose, there's no way to get hurt.
Silently, we drive through the night. I chew on my lip, fighting back tears. I know that as soon as we reach my house, he'll leave. He'll go far, far away. Grown up. Real life. I don't quite know how to say goodbye. I'm not quite sure how I'll get by without him. He's been my hero, my role model, my brother. Given me the best and the worst advice I've ever had. Taught me more than anyone ever has. And he's leaving. But for now, it's just us.
He sighs, and still looking at the road, he warns, "You'd better not do anything stupid this year."
I laugh despite myself, "Define stupid."
He takes a second to glare at me. But he loves me. I know.
Suddenly, I realize something. Avoiding people, withdrawing. It's just about the stupidest thing I can do. We're drawn to others, we need others. I'm not sure who I'd be if I'd never met anyone I've had to say goodbye to. I wouldn't be anybody at all. We're not defined by the people around us, but we're changed by the company we keep, the things they teach us.
A few days later, I find him online, and I smile to myself. He'll never be completely gone. He'll always be there when I need him, he always has been. It hurts to say goodbye. But to have people you love in your life? It's worth it.
Lipstick
I lost my favorite lipstick. It's a deep reddish color, a rich dark shade. I hid behind it. I painted it on. I let the rest of my face get lost, washed out by the juxtaposition. I lost it. And I don't care. I'm nothing less without it.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Spare
Dear Reader,
Do you ever get that funny feeling? Where you're just so upset you're biting back tears? But it's almost like you're about to throw up? Or like you're starving? Or like you just want to sob or eat or throw up or something? And your tummy just feels all jumbled? But you just shove it all down and pretend it's not there at all? That's how I feel.
Do you ever feel like you're just a spare? Like, a spare tire? Shoved in the trunk? And you wish, oh how you wish you could ride shotgun, or at least, in a seat, like a normal person. Like somebody who's going somewhere, somebody who others want to be there. Not the extra, forgotten, last-minute-shoved-in-the-trunk.
Or maybe, the problem with being shoved in the trunk, is knowing that you're a last chance, last resort kinda thing? And nobody actually wants to talk to you? They'll just humour you for as long as you pester? Nobody actually wants to have a real conversation and listen, because nobody really remembers you're there at all?
Yeah. That's how I feel, too.
Do you ever get that funny feeling? Where you're just so upset you're biting back tears? But it's almost like you're about to throw up? Or like you're starving? Or like you just want to sob or eat or throw up or something? And your tummy just feels all jumbled? But you just shove it all down and pretend it's not there at all? That's how I feel.
Do you ever feel like you're just a spare? Like, a spare tire? Shoved in the trunk? And you wish, oh how you wish you could ride shotgun, or at least, in a seat, like a normal person. Like somebody who's going somewhere, somebody who others want to be there. Not the extra, forgotten, last-minute-shoved-in-the-trunk.
Or maybe, the problem with being shoved in the trunk, is knowing that you're a last chance, last resort kinda thing? And nobody actually wants to talk to you? They'll just humour you for as long as you pester? Nobody actually wants to have a real conversation and listen, because nobody really remembers you're there at all?
Yeah. That's how I feel, too.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Museum
Bright. Colors. Screaming. Loud. Whoa... Echoes. Huge. Ceiling. Kids. Running. Museum. Exhibits. Learning. Discoveries. Experiments. Electricity. Light. Anatomy. Weather. History. Hallways. Stairs. Arrows.
A man. He's wearing the logo. Standing. Talking.
A group of people. Listening. Also talking.
Anatomy. Exhibit. New. Hamster wheel?
Human sized! Man. Inside. Running. Whoa...
The wheel whirls around him. Screens monitor his pulse. Breathing rate.
Magnificent display... Human endurance... Power of... The words fade out.
There's a girl. Staring. Something about her expression draws me.
I step closer. Then I realize why. Shes in a wheelchair. Her own legs are useless, shriveled, balancing on the footrests of the chair. She seems to have no intention of leaving, having planted herself directly behind the hamster wheel, instead of in front, with the rest of the crowd.
She stares at the running man with a harsh intensity. Her forehead furrows, in an angry, determined sort of way, but her eyes light up with something different. Hope.
Girl. Staring. Hope. Hopeful. Running. Entranced.
Hope.
A man. He's wearing the logo. Standing. Talking.
A group of people. Listening. Also talking.
Anatomy. Exhibit. New. Hamster wheel?
Human sized! Man. Inside. Running. Whoa...
The wheel whirls around him. Screens monitor his pulse. Breathing rate.
Magnificent display... Human endurance... Power of... The words fade out.
There's a girl. Staring. Something about her expression draws me.
I step closer. Then I realize why. Shes in a wheelchair. Her own legs are useless, shriveled, balancing on the footrests of the chair. She seems to have no intention of leaving, having planted herself directly behind the hamster wheel, instead of in front, with the rest of the crowd.
She stares at the running man with a harsh intensity. Her forehead furrows, in an angry, determined sort of way, but her eyes light up with something different. Hope.
Girl. Staring. Hope. Hopeful. Running. Entranced.
Hope.
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