"You deserve better than that," they say together. And they seem to mean it, staring intently at me, "You don't deserve anything they put you through." I stutter a bit, trying to come up with a nice way of explaining this that won't lose me my friends, or at least, that won't stop the tangled hug keeping me warm. It's interesting to me that I can pass as a normal, deserving person.
They don't see what I see, what's so glaringly obvious just beneath the skin. I'm a bad person. There, I've said it. Shame on me for nearly thinking differently. Shame on me. I thought maybe today, I was good. I thought singing at the retirement home was good, but I just fooled them too. I got my reminder before I forgot.
My phone lit up. Glancing down and flipping through the unread messages, there's a new text. "Look in a mirror," it advises, "You manipulate and control people for attention," and then goes on to explain that I'm self centered, I've alienated every friend I had, and of course, that they hate me too.
I look up, still smiling, and click the phone off. That's a skill I've mastered. To keep smiling. Even when it hurts enough that you want to fall to your knees and beg them to stop hurting you. Please. But that's a privilege reserved for people who were wronged. Still smiling. That smile bothers me. There's something so wrong about it. There's something so wrong about all of it.
It's not that I don't deserve it. I must, mustn't I? Or maybe I've just gotten used to it.
Have you seen The Help? Cause when school gets back in I'm making you a small something that says: You is good, you is kind, you is important. Because it's true, dear, it's true.
ReplyDeleteLove, your wife
i hate to believe this is like one of those stupid psych analyses that secretly fits every person, but id like to believe i know where you come from. and thats not meant as the pretentious you'll-get-through-it kind of bullshit that it sounds like, but more of the hey-brother-in-arms-who-fights-a-similar-fight-as-i, i-can-relate-to-your-frustration-because-i-too-have-felt-a-similar-pain. granted, im anonymously commenting and youve got your heart on your sleeve for all X amount of people who come here to see, but know this thing you do does mean something for those of us who are here.
ReplyDeleteim not confident that that last sentence made sense. fuck it. its late. you can probably expect more of these in the near future. :)
All I can say is thank you. You connection is both haunting and heartwarming, and I appreciate it.
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