How to Survive Gym Class

Ten Rules to Survive Gym Class as a Freak, Loner, or Outsider.

1. Playing with the minds of others is the only way to keep your own sanity. You must accept this, the sooner, the better.
2. Find a buddy. You won't get out alive by yourself. They'll help keep you sane.
3. Gym teachers have no passion nor mind-capacity for any creativity beyond pinny colors. Their methods are predictable and methodical. Learn this. Being split into teams generally consists of grouping shirt colors or counting off by threes.
4. Create hand signals. If, by chance, you and your buddy (refer to Rule 2) happen to end up separate teams, these can be essential. Keep these big and simple, so they can be understood from across the room. Remember the basics, for instance "Heads up!" "I'm proud of you!" "He's showing off again." and "I hate this sport!"
5. Chose one sport to be awkwardly competitive about.
6. Giant foam q-tips, while generally useless and unwieldy, are always good to have on hand to challenge duels with.
7. Learn to growl and hiss when others come near you.
8. Insanity is the most intimidating card you have to play. (Refer to Rule 1) Trying to distract an opponent? Cock your head to the side, laugh menacingly, and do NOT break eye contact.
9. Fake interest. If, by some chance, the ball/frisbee/shuttlecock/anything gets near you, don't panic. Instead, try saying something along the lines of, "Oh look! Here it comes, oh, oh dear. There it goes. Bummer. Missed it. Maybe next time."
10. Either downplay or overreact to EVERYTHING. Get hit? You have two options. Shrug it off, or fall screaming to the ground.