Some days, I am tempted. Some days, it seems so close.
I daydream in cloudy fantasies of romance. Saturday night. Maybe I'll straighten my hair. I smile to myself, listening to what everyone would say. How pretty. I have earrings that look real enough, at first glance anyway.
I take note of what others wear. Remember those shoes, you can get shoes like that, I tell myself. I dress, mentally searching for clothing I've bought and never worn, the uncomfortably tight skinny jeans in the bottom left drawer, with the Forever21 hand-me-down top at the back of the closet, a mix of popular style and magazines, until I'm convinced I could pass for someone else, everybody else. I pull out clothing from all nooks into the center of my bedroom, where I hold it out as though adorning an unseen mannequin.
I picture myself in my fantasy. I fit in perfectly. People will come to talk to me and find I'm perfectly interesting as well, and ask me about music or sports. How much we have in common. Rehearsing these conversations in my mind, I'm tempted now to fill my itunes from the 21st century and learn how sports are played.
Alas, how startling reality returns. I reprimand myself silently. With a sigh, I pull the frizz back from my shiny, pockmarked face, and lose whatever figure I had in a torn, discolored sweatshirt. I force myself as though this is my punishment.
Reagan, don't ever let anyone ever tell you that you're not beautiful, interesting, or cool. Because you are. Being an individual and any of these things are not mutually exclusive. You're both.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I don't understand you, Reagan. Don't you realize that everyone looks up to you? You are the one who everyone runs to for advice and help. You walk with a certain grace and respect of yourself that no one can match. You are living proof of "if you respect yourself, others will too." People not only respect you but they love you too. Everyday people crowd around you, basically dying for some attention.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I'm not so sure why you are constantly obsessed with normalcy. If everyone was "normal" the whole world would be so boring we would not be able to stand ourselves. If you think that being "normal" or "average" will make you more liked by people, you are very wrong. People love you already, just the way you are. They love your knitting. Everyone was so proud of you after the performance. Everyone encourages you to do better in everything. You have a certain way of making people laugh with your, unique, sense of humor. Please, stop trying to be something you are not. Please start thinking of yourself as perfect, and don't let anyone tell you you are not.